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| feel my life changing. there are just such little things in life that are starting to affect the way i am. this change is not bad. its not bad at all. i guess its mostly my lifestyle. there are a lot of things that i would change, but likewise, plenty of things that i would not change. slowly and slowly, the things i learn in philosophy and math are leaking through to encompass my entire vocabulary. last night, i said "i guess my goal is to minimize those instances of disappointment." jokingly of course. i was not disappointing anyone, i hope. but a year ago, i would not have said that at all. i would have just said "i guess i should try to not disappoint as much." different. i suppose its tone? but then again, im not ashamed of who i am. well, certain aspects. but who isn't? personally i take pride in being a dork, nerd, silly, foolish, etc | | |
| so...i notice that the type of friendship i have with Sam, Andrew, Jake, etc. is a great one. I am pretty sure there are hardly any boundaries that we have not crossed. There is the "you're nude" boundary that i hope i never cross with any of them. for obvious reasons. but i notice that i make fun of andrew, and he dishes them back, and in the end it all works out. me and sam start off most of our conversations yelling harmful, degrading expletives at each other. or just expletives in general. recently i have started off with "whore!" or "HEY! LISTEN!" and be the annoying Navi from Zelda. and Jake, we unfortunately do not talk as much as we should and im sure as much as we'd both like. but, life goes on right? but i think that, from an outside view, it shows the amount of comfort and trust that we have in each other. we are comfortable enough to make fun of each other at every opportunity, and trust that the jokes made are not how we truly feel, or they should be how we feel. obviously depends on the context.
in the end, it made me kind of think about how we all met. i remember how i met jake. But sam and andrew, we've been friends so long that i can't remember how. it must have just been the fact that Challenge School was so small that you just knew everyone anyways.
either way...i love my friends. =) | | |
| so...working this summer has kind of opened my eyes to a lot of things. it opened my eyes to what my parents have been experiencing for the numerous past years. i mean, every weekday, they go to work, come home, and take care of the house. take care of me and my brothers. this friday is my last day of working here, working with my mom. but it's really revealed what kind of career my parents have. what they've gone through while i'm at home watching tv, listening to music, etc. especially now that im in college. i mean, in high school, i was obviously at school while they were working. but it has allowed me to realize how much people go rhtough for money. i mean, i complain a lot, hardly seriously. more like "fml! except not cuz my life really isn't that bad." so ive complained about how my summer just seems repetitive. work every weekday from 8-5. takes roughly an hr to and from work. so weekdays go a little like 7-6. but i dont feel right complaining. because this has only been a couple months of this for me. for my mom, at least 2-3 years. i wish i was more disciplined in what i do at home because of what my parents go through. and really made me realize how much i have been growing. i miss high school where school was my only priority. but at the same time, i feel older. going through all of this has made me realize how old i am getting. now, im not old. just, older. im at a time where drinking, smoking and sex isn't as taboo or cool. it's more of like a lifestyle at this point. and its interesting because if it were 2 years ago in my life, i never would have imagined this was how some people live their lives. im not saying its good or bad, i just thought it ridiculous when movies portray some people's lives that way. oh hollywood.
i used to think people who party all the time are the ones that dont get far in life. funny thing to think 2 years ago. my mentality has changed because i have gotten to know some of the people who do love to party and drink. they are doing just fine in life. they just enjoy it differently than i do. im just a different person than i was 2 years ago. maybe even one year ago. strange how the world works like that.
who knows what my belief system will be in a couple years when i (hopefully) graduate? i hope it's not TOO different. | | |
| you know...sometimes I do things, that I myself do not approve of. which sounds really weird and awkward to say. im sure everyones done it. that item at Wal-Mart that took us 10 minutes to buy, because we made a list of pros and cons about 20 lines down. and even though the cons outweighed the pros, you figured, "why not?" and then what?
you end up regretting it later. sometimes...even right after you walk outside of the store.
but on a larger scale, sometimes i do things that i would be disappointed if my friends did it too. but it's like that urge (or lack thereof). example? sometimes you feel that urge to steal something, and you do. but then, not 1 minute later, you regret stealing it, and wish you could just take back that moment. and when i say lack thereof, i mean like "i should probably leave now," but ends up being 10 minutes later cuz you found something else that caught your attention like something on tv as you were walking by your brother watching. what was it? that episode of Family Guy you found really amusing, or a movie that you've already seen at least twice. now...these probably seem very...very miniscule and minor, but its enough. its enough to fill you with guilt. because its not just one offense, but many. have enough 1's and you're rich. (yes, there is that underlying subtle stripper joke.)
now...it's nothing serious. just things that are minor disappointments. | | |
| it was weird...i looked back on all of my xanga posts. okay...just some of them, but still. i'm glad to know that i have become the person that i am now. i mean, back then, i was all about sticking with the media and what was "cool" or "supposed to happen." at least...what i thought was supposed to happen. but it was fun to laugh at my own immaturity. but everyone gets there right? i mean, it is nice to look back and know that regardless of how i was back then, i am the person i am now. thats what counts, right? | | |
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