I think there comes a time in everyone's life when they look back at their own lives and say:
Man, I wish I didn't do that.
But I think what they really mean is:
I regret doing that.
Because honestly, you learn a lot purely through self-reflection. I feel as though not many people have the courage to own up to their own mistakes. Sometimes, people seem to blame themselves even when it is clearly not their fault. Like for me, in middle school when AIM was "the thing." I remember I called people to ask for their username, nothing else. Man, the thoughts that those people had about me, must have been hilarious to them. It's hilarious to me now. *insert forever alone face*
But luckily I did not develop that into an actual habit and actually met people. I grew up. But at the same time, it was one of those things where I really regret doing that. I would go as far as saying I wish I didn't do that because I don't even talk to those people anymore. So it's not as if any great friendship sprung out of it. In fact, it may have even not allowed any of those friendships to start. I mean, seriously.
But on a different note, I looked back to how I used to type to people. iz, goin, doin, u, ur, list goes on. I regret doing that. I wonder how many people got really irritated that I typed that way. Fortunately, Katelyn killed that habit. Who knows? Maybe I would still be typing like that (kill me).
In the end, I enjoy looking back at my life and laughing at myself. It shows me exactly how much I have matured in these past 10 or so years. I don't really have memories of 7th grade and earlier. Snippets for sure, but nothing to really reflect on. A lot of things I regret doing, but am glad I don't do them now. Growing up ftw.
how I've missed you so! but not really. a lot has happened since I was last here. graduated from college, job hunting and the like. I just remember back in high school, in my group of friends, xanga was "the thing." the liberty to write whatever you feel like. hell, even someone like Shane Countryman got/used one. albeit was very minimal. not insulting in the slightest, just that his personality doesnt really fit someone who would sit down and write a blog of some sort. or I just completely misjudged him. regardless, it was still the fad of the group.
but man how I've changed. I used to care a lot about what people thought of me. now it's simply what the people I care about think of me. I wanted to be popular, but not really because I didn't really like it when all eyes were on me. so, as a teen, I didn't really know what I wanted. I had nothing important to blog about. I thought I did, but looking back, I had nothing important. Nothing to whine about, no traumatic experience. Nothing. Just me treating myself as the center of the universe. and I guess that still happens to a certain degree now. but I'm more self aware. self reflection has allowed me to see things like that. whining whenever something didn't go my way. young, naive. I suppose most people go through this phase.
I used to go along with "the thing to do." there was one instance in particular that I somewhat regret. it was when a couple of students at Smoky died. I don't even remember their names. but because people were saying "dress up!" I did. I didn't even know them. I didn't even know they existed. I don't regret paying my respects. but I regret doing it simply because someone told me to. so I wouldn't stand out as one who didn't dress up. but some of my friends simply said "if you died, would people have done the same for you?" probably not. if I died at that time, just my group of friends. I was not an influential person and my presence at the high school was quite minimal. I was probably more known as "I pass that guy on my way to 2nd period every Red day." but, living life simply by basing your acts of kindness on whether they would do the same for you doesn't leave a good feeling on my conscience. I simply regret doing things just because someone else told me to. like if I didn't, I would become a social outcast. but you can't really become a social outcast when you're not popular/noticed in the first place.
but, in the end. I'm fairly happy with where I am now. granted, I would change some things. but for the most part, I am quite content and satisfied with my life.
feel my life changing. there are just such little things in life that are starting to affect the way i am. this change is not bad. its not bad at all. i guess its mostly my lifestyle. there are a lot of things that i would change, but likewise, plenty of things that i would not change. slowly and slowly, the things i learn in philosophy and math are leaking through to encompass my entire vocabulary. last night, i said "i guess my goal is to minimize those instances of disappointment." jokingly of course. i was not disappointing anyone, i hope. but a year ago, i would not have said that at all. i would have just said "i guess i should try to not disappoint as much." different. i suppose its tone? but then again, im not ashamed of who i am. well, certain aspects. but who isn't? personally i take pride in being a dork, nerd, silly, foolish, etc
so...i notice that the type of friendship i have with Sam, Andrew, Jake, etc. is a great one. I am pretty sure there are hardly any boundaries that we have not crossed. There is the "you're nude" boundary that i hope i never cross with any of them. for obvious reasons. but i notice that i make fun of andrew, and he dishes them back, and in the end it all works out. me and sam start off most of our conversations yelling harmful, degrading expletives at each other. or just expletives in general. recently i have started off with "whore!" or "HEY! LISTEN!" and be the annoying Navi from Zelda. and Jake, we unfortunately do not talk as much as we should and im sure as much as we'd both like. but, life goes on right? but i think that, from an outside view, it shows the amount of comfort and trust that we have in each other. we are comfortable enough to make fun of each other at every opportunity, and trust that the jokes made are not how we truly feel, or they should be how we feel. obviously depends on the context.
in the end, it made me kind of think about how we all met. i remember how i met jake. But sam and andrew, we've been friends so long that i can't remember how. it must have just been the fact that Challenge School was so small that you just knew everyone anyways.
either way...i love my friends. =)
so...working this summer has kind of opened my eyes to a lot of things. it opened my eyes to what my parents have been experiencing for the numerous past years. i mean, every weekday, they go to work, come home, and take care of the house. take care of me and my brothers. this friday is my last day of working here, working with my mom. but it's really revealed what kind of career my parents have. what they've gone through while i'm at home watching tv, listening to music, etc. especially now that im in college. i mean, in high school, i was obviously at school while they were working. but it has allowed me to realize how much people go rhtough for money. i mean, i complain a lot, hardly seriously. more like "fml! except not cuz my life really isn't that bad." so ive complained about how my summer just seems repetitive. work every weekday from 8-5. takes roughly an hr to and from work. so weekdays go a little like 7-6. but i dont feel right complaining. because this has only been a couple months of this for me. for my mom, at least 2-3 years. i wish i was more disciplined in what i do at home because of what my parents go through. and really made me realize how much i have been growing. i miss high school where school was my only priority. but at the same time, i feel older. going through all of this has made me realize how old i am getting. now, im not old. just, older. im at a time where drinking, smoking and sex isn't as taboo or cool. it's more of like a lifestyle at this point. and its interesting because if it were 2 years ago in my life, i never would have imagined this was how some people live their lives. im not saying its good or bad, i just thought it ridiculous when movies portray some people's lives that way. oh hollywood.
i used to think people who party all the time are the ones that dont get far in life. funny thing to think 2 years ago. my mentality has changed because i have gotten to know some of the people who do love to party and drink. they are doing just fine in life. they just enjoy it differently than i do. im just a different person than i was 2 years ago. maybe even one year ago. strange how the world works like that.
who knows what my belief system will be in a couple years when i (hopefully) graduate? i hope it's not TOO different.